Who am I?

     In the past year or so I have struggled with the concept of who I am. It has been a long time since I posted anything. I have changed so much in my walk with God. Sometimes I feel on fire while other times I wonder who I am. I am no longer the young girl who hid behind her hair when I first recorded Glimpse. I am not the young woman who was excited about my future in music during recording of The Heavy and the Holy. The woman who recorded Somebody Save was beginning to explore her own creativity and own who she was. But now this woman writing struggles with who am I? Have any of you struggled with this? I am a mother, child, wife, artist, sometimes chef, sometimes loving, sometimes mean, creative, passionate, new babe in Christ it feels, young, old? So many words to describe myself yet none can define me.
     These past few years have prompted many changes in my life. I was last active in music when I wrote and recorded Somebody Save. This album was special to me because I let my creativity flow and created something. But whoa life started changing and my path was redirected away from Kristyn Leigh Music and into serving others. I accepted my first grown up job at a local hospital as a music therapist. I thought I loved touring and singing but my love for helping others sick and in need was so much deeper. It was not about me at all and 100 % for others. I have been in hundred of hospital rooms with hundreds of patients and families. I have laughed with them and cried with them. I have celebrated with them as they got better and I have held hands with family and sang as their loved ones passed on to Jesus. I found my love and compassion. I saw that life is unfair and complicated but so beautiful. I questioned God often when I sang quiet lullabies to dying children ridden with cancer. I celebrated those who after a long life were going home. And I was blessed by so many who praised Jesus despite their circumstances. This changed me.
    My husband was very supportive during Somebody Save but new changes to us were taking place. We welcomed this new change. A baby girl! Red hair and blue eyes who takes 100% after daddy. To the parents out there, is it not amazing the amount of love you feel for these tiny people? I went from being selfish to selfless. But now I struggle with the who am I? Because my life revolves around this little person.
      After our daughter Liberty was born our family changed again but with our walk with God. I was raised United Pentecostal but felt moved by God to find a deeper relationship. Now attending a baptist church my faith has changed so much. I have found more understand on the love of God and GRACE. Oh amazing grace that saved a wretch like me. I used to sing this song without passion but now I usually cry. I am a sinner saved by grace. I mess up all the time but ohh the revelation I found when I realized the love God has for his children. That Jesus died on a cross because of his love and grace. I feel like a babe in Christ because I am learning so much. I also feel like I am not doing enough to serve others.
     We moved to a new state last year and I transitioned from working mommy to stay at home mommy. Talk about a change. Leaving the job I LOVED and felt like I was serving Gods purpose to staying at home playing dolls. I do feel blessed I am able to stay at home because my child is my heart and soul but I do miss working. I miss feeling like I am doing something. I am doing something though. I am raising and loving a child. But it is hard in the day to day life when I wonder so often who am I? I finish the laundry, cook dinners, clean up the messes again, and tend to the boo boos of a three year old. I hear from other moms who so often wonder this same question. But I know God can move my life any way he sees fit. I have met some wonderful people and the list of friends in Christ has grown to more than I ever thought possible. Because of these changes I have gone back to something I had put down. Music created by me. Music created for God and to broken people. Music that is fun, uplifting, and worship. When I felt I had nothing to give God knocked me upside the head and said uh no. New songs have poured out of my heart. I feel like I am contributing again.
     But who am I? I am still figuring that out. I hope you continue to come with me on this journey. In a little bit I will be releasing my first single since Somebody Save. 6 years later!!!!! Its called Liberty. My daughters name because she brought about change in my love and faith. Liberty in Christ. I am free because of his grace and mercy.

Been Awhile

Hello!

It has been a long time since I have posted anything...shame on me! I within the past few months have started a new position at a hospital here in Louisville KY as a music therapist! I absolutely love working with people everyday making their life a little brighter. Just a few days ago I had the opportunity to sing with a man with a terminal illness. He was not really "there" with his family and they were all struggling with grief. I began to sing "Amazing Grace" and the man began to sing with me and asked his family if they remembered singing this in church. There were smiles and tears in the hospital room that day. The family was so happy to hear this man singing his praises when he had so few words left to say. I am grateful God uses me every single day in this measure. It is music ministry in its most pure form. I hope I can continue this way of thinking in the ministry I do as I travel spreading the music God has given me to others.

Lord of the Rings

Today holds a special place in my heart. June 4 of 2011 I married my best friend, Nate Fisher, and now a year later we are still going strong holding to the love and vows we professed to each other amongst our friends and family. You might be wondering what this has to do with "Lord of the Rings", and no it is not about the hobbits on a quest to find an all powerful ring but about a different type of ring. Those gold bands so many of us where in to show our love and commitment.

I have heard before that these rings symbolize a circle of love. Round and round our love should go. Unending. But in this day and time it seems that circle of love has been cut in half. Many happy couples who once shared their unending love to each others have cut ties. While this first year for my own marriage has been pretty blissful we have certainly had our due share of problems that made me want to rip out my hair and say "why in the world did we get married?" Then I am quickly reminded, ohh yes that's right,we love each other. I am further reminded of the rings we put on our fingers to symbolize our unending love for one another. But is love enough? Are rings given to each other to remind us of this love enough to stand the test of time? The answer, no. I truly believe that for marriage to last and the love endure that God must be the Lord of the Rings.

Imagine for a minute, God being the center of your marriage. Letting him take over and build a hedge around your home and heart. Protecting what he designed to be so wonderful. Jesus the craftsman of your rings and love. Welding, repairing, preserving what was meant to last a lifetime. So I urge you let him be the center of your marriage. Let him restore what may be tarnished at the point of breakage. Allow him to keep your rings, your love, shiny like new. Let him be the Lord of your Rings.

DADDYS' LITTLE GIRL

I was a Daddy's girl. I was his little princess. He used to let me stand on his shoes and he would whirl me around as we danced to tunes of Cinderella or The Little Mermaid. He used to take me to Waffle House every morning. We would sit at the counter and talk while we watched the cooks throw the eggs. He was always the Dad who went above and beyond for charity events at our school. When I was in grade school he just did'nt give a few cans of food for the food drive. He bought cases and cases. One year he bought 20 turkeys to give to the needy. He was just like that. My elementary choir took a field trip to sing at our local mall for Christmas. My Dad went along as a chaperone. Wow did we have fun. He took the entire choir into the Sweet Factory candy store, and let them all get a � lb of candy. He paid for it all. I thought he was the best Dad in the whole wide world. When I graduated from elementary school he bought me a tiny diamond necklace. He was so proud of me that day. I loved him and he loved me. My family did not realize it, but my Dad was showing the first signs of a mental illness that would almost destroy him.

He had a pool put into our house during middle school. What fun we had! Swimming and playing games. He taught my little baby sister to swim before she could even walk. My friends came over when I graduated 8th grade and we had a big swim party. Of course Dad was there watching the pool and cooking out the hamburgers and hot dogs.

For my little sisters 3rd birthday she wanted a luau. My Dad got the whole pig and we had a big ole pig roast right in our back yard.

My how he would spend money on us. Everytime we went shopping he was the Dad who would buy us the designer purses and shoes. I had everything I could ever want. My Dad was the best Dad in the world.

Then things changed. They were small changes at first. There were days that my Dad seemed irritated. Nothing seemed to make him happy. But it would only last a few hours then he was back to his talkative happy self. But as the years passed there were more days when he was irritated. Then began the tirades. He began to belittle our family. The Dad that once called me princess now called me fat and ugly. Nothing we could say or do would please him.

Then my Dad became paranoid. He thought the neighbors were "out to get him". He was paranoid of banks, the government, friends, restaurants, everyone. One day he locked all the doors to the house, shut all the blinds, because he knew the police were coming to get him. He told us when they came he would slip out the back door and run through our back yard to get away. My Mom begged him to go the doctor. He would always say there is nothing wrong with me.

My Mom talked to doctors, counselors, and law enforcements. They all said the same thing. You cannot force him to get help. He has to do it of his own will. In Kentucky one has to be a threat to himself or others before he can be placed in a metal facility. That time finally came. My Dad began sinking into a deep depression. My Mom was afraid he was going to harm himself. She had him arrested under a mental inquest warrant. He was put into a treatment center for the mentally ill.
He was diagnosed as having a paranoid bi-polar disorder. He began treatment and began to take medication for the disorder. All went well. Then Dad thought he was okay. So he quit taking his meds.

My Dad then became violent. I was in Texas at the time finishing my college internship. My Mom and little sister went into a shelter. My Dad realized he needed help, and checked himself into the hospital. He got back on his meds. Eventually our family decided it was best for him to live apart from us. He now lives in Florida. He comes to Kentucky for holidays and special occasions.

I wish I had a magic wand to make my Dad's mind function as it should. But I don't. There are times when I still get angry at my Dad. I know his condition is not his fault, and he cannot help it. His disorder causes him to be manic to the extreme. He is either on top of the world, or at rock bottom. There is no level ground with my Dad. A bi-polar Dad is either extremely nurturing or extremely destructive.

How do you love someone who can't really love you back. There are times when I have hated him. The years that he called me bad names and belittled me haunt my thoughts.

All I can do now is pray that I can show mercy and love to my Dad, as Christ has shown mercy and love to me.

I treasure the good memories he gave me when I was small. I still want to me Daddy's little girl. I pray each day that God protects and shelters my Dad, and gives his mind the peace that he needs.

I love you Daddy!

TIS THE SEASON!

I love Christmas! It is really cold here in Kentucky. The frost nips my nose as I drink hot chocolate with just a little hint of peppermint. The lights are so pretty and twinkly. I love the colors as they dance across the sky in the night. The little kids are smiling and timidly peeking at Santa Claus behind their Moma's legs. The bells ring and coins clink into the red bucket of the Salvation army. The Christmas music rises into the atmosphere lifting spirits and bringing smiles. I wander if Jesus looks down from heaven and is happy because of the celebrations. Or is he sad. Does he weep over our world today like he wept over Jerusalem? I don't ever want to forget why I celebrate Christmas. I want Jesus to know that I remember why he came to earth. Thank you Jesus for the most precious gift you could have ever given me. I hope you are smiling down on me.

ENTER....BARZILLAI!

Troubles and trials have a way of revealing our friends. When Davids son Absalom betrayed him, David barely had time to escape alive. Some of his closet advisers abandoned him. The kingdom seemed lost, and David was barely ahead of those who were running after him. He felt alone and worthless. Then appears....BARZILLAI! He brought food and clothes. His help was simply...perfect.
Later David asked Barzilla to come to Jerusalem to live. Barzilla was eighty by then and just did not want to make the move. But David did not forget Barzilla even then. He told his son Solomon to make sure he always took care of Barzilla and his family.
Has anyone in your life given you help like Barzilla? Has anyone given you encouragment and understanding when life felt like you were all alone? Did anyone remind you of God? Have you forgotten the value of their gifts? A friend who stays with us during our trouble is a true friend.
Thank you all my friends. I appreciate YOU!

FESTIVALS AND RAINBOWS

I performed at a fall festival Friday night in the beautiful little town of Rising Sun Indiana. This town is located on the banks of the Ohio River. It is a historical town with some of the orginal buildings. I love small town festivals. The little girls looked so gorgeous with their freckle faced faces as they competed for the Princess title. The girls and boys were eyeing each other across the street. Boys trying to get the courage to ask that special girl to go on a ride on the Ferris Wheel, the girls just hoping they ask. Moms and Dads there pushing their little ones around in the strollers and chasing after their toddlers. The smells are incredible. The scent of country ham, navy bean soup, funnel cakes, and hot apple cider. The sky was blue, not a cloud in the sky, and the sun was shining! What a perfect day.

I only perform christian music. I performed right before The Kentucky Headhunters. The Headhunters are one of the hottest country rock bands in our tri-state area. I was a little nerveous about performing for people who were not christian at a secular festival. After a couple songs I felt God impress me to change my set up. I talked about the beauty of nature along the banks of the Ohio, the flowers and the beautiful fall colors. I then pulled a song out from 2004 called Heaven on Earth. The crowd was responsive and I could feel Gods prescence even there. I was on the last song of my set. I testified to what God had been doing in my life. I said these words. "I know this is a secular festival, but if you don't know Jesus there is no time like the present to get to know him."

I began the last song. I noticed people were pointing over the band shell toward the sky. Then people started taking out their cameras and taking pictures. Several people went up to my Mom and pointed toward the sky. I was wondering....what is going on...is the next band coming in on parachutes or what? By then most people were standing just looking up. I finish my song and exit the stage to my table. I look up and there under the sun in a cloudless sky is the most beautiful rainbow. I have a feeling that God was smiling for letting him shine at a secular festival!